5-24-07 Amsterdam

If you think of embarrassment as a spectrum, I'd say that I've never been more than mildly embarrassed before yesterday. I've been embarrassed several times on this trip, but none of them were comparable to how I felt when our speaker made a comment about our decisions in Iraq. Here I am American. I am not a democrat or a liberal. I am not even a college student before I am American. At home, I can exercise my freedom of speech; I can use my right to vote. Here, I am responsible for those decisions. I could feel the heat of my entire face turning read as I thought about the news stories I heard of who did and who did not support us and our decisions in Iraq. I was embarrassed of my country. I was embarrassed for not knowing what our decisions made us seem like for them. I was embarrassed for wanting to make excuses.

The campus visit to Vrije University was very nice. I've known about the binary system for a while, but it is still amazing to see it in action. I'm turning 24 next month and I still haven't decided what I plan to do for the rest of my life. Right now, I am still planning out experiences to have that will help me narrow down my options. I can't fathom making that decision at twelve. At twelve I wanted to be an animator. My aptitude tests said I should be a mime or a puppeteer. Higher Ed Administration is pretty far off from all of those. I remember being horribly upset when my career test came back. I was a very talkative kid, and I couldn't understand how I would be best at a job where I wasn't allowed to speak. The irony of the whole situation is that my current desire is to work for Sesame Street.

I wonder if there are societal status differences between the students who go to the research universities and the students who go to the professional universities. I have a friend in Switzerland. They use the same system and her track was to go to the university, but her family couldn't afford all of it. While I was visiting her, she was taking a year off to waitress and save money to pay for it. She would tell me stories of how guests would look down on her because they thought that she wasn't going to the university. I know that there is a clear separation between honors students - regular(?) students- and the at risk student in our education system. I also know that there are classism issues in America. I wonder fi the binary system supports or reinforces those problems.

After the visit Mike and I went to the Van Gogh Museum. I loved it. I spent a year studying the impressionist artists so I knew the Van Gogh story. I could see the influences of the other artists in his work, and I appreciated watching how his work changed. I don't know if Mike enjoied it as much; I'm glad we went.

Last night we went back out to the Dam. There we got to see the Amsterdam police in action, some very interesting hookah bars, and a restaurant that only served fries. In the square there was a huge crucifixion statue. I'm not sure how I missed it earlier, but fortunately I didn't miss it all together. It was neat to see Jesus through their eyes. He was still in the submissive/beaten pose, but his face was so different from what we normally see. Our Jesus face is petite, fragile, and feminine. So often in the crucifixion, he looks broken. In this statue the face was strong, full, and masculine. He looked like a Roman hero. It reminded me of art made of the Greek and Roman gods. I wonder what the difference I'm seeing is. I don't know if it is a European difference, a Protestant difference, or just one artist's preference.